Dear
Wife:
I'm
writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you
for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your
boss called to tell me that you quit your job
today and that was the last straw.
Last
week, you came home and didn't even notice that
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite
meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went
straight to sleep after watching all of your
soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that connects us
as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on
me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Your
EX-Husband
P.S.
Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to
Dear
Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true that you and I have been
married for seven years, although a good man is
a far cry from what you've been. I watch my
soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that
doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair
cut last week, but the first thing that came to
mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my
mother raised me not to say anything if you
can't say something nice, I didn't comment, And
when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About
those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me
that morning. After all of this, I still loved
you and felt that we could work it out. So when
I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit
my job and bought us two tickets to
I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures
you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your
Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I
don't know if I ever told you this, but my
sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope
that's not a problem.
A husband takes his wife to
play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the
course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be
careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the
owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked
on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on
in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: Glass was all over
the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir.
We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary... ! Actually I
want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and
I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to
grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a
million dollars a year for the rest of my Life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it,
it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you
a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the
genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home
complete with servants in every country in the
world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your
homes will always be safe from fire, burglary
and natural disaster"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's
your wish, Genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle,
and haven't been with a woman in more than a
thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and
all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled
it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
you're right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart,"
said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where
they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying
each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
genie rolled over and looked directly into her
eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded
breathlessly.
"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old
and both of you still believe in genies?????"
NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his
patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to
respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything
went quite well. As the National Anthem started,
the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients
complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and
they all sat back down in their seats. After a
home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer
Nuts". They all broke out into applause and
cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call
against the star of the home team, the Doctor
yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started
booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor
decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving
his assistant in charge. When he returned, there
was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied
assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world
happened?" The assistant replied,
"Well everything was going just fine until this
guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
GREEN SIDE UP !
A woman wants the inside of her house painted, and she calls a Contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into The next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!" The woman is even more perplexed, but still lets it slide.
They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much! The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I Tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window "Green side up." What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I've got four blondes laying sod across the street."
Sex With A Cowboy:
Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que .
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And ..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared .
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!" They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"
They then asked , "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
WORLD PEACE
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, and Syria with all believers of Mohammad inside and all Jews, Americans, and other infidel forever outside our precious state."
Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".
The Genie explains , "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries....... it's virtually impenetrable.
Now what is your wish?"
The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water."
Pooooof!
WORLD PEACE !!
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
Nominated as the best short joke this year
A
four-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are
these my brains?"
"Not
yet," she replied
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
"My Private Part Died Today,
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy", said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part Died Today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Wallace, " she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that! Please put your private part back inside your pajamas."
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my private part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well", he replied, "Today's the viewing".
You have to listen to this: Vibrator Crank Call
A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"
THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM, HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD .
THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY. WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"
THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "NO, SIR , I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A MINI COOPER WITH 2 FLAT TIRES"
Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the Daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.........
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods - not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300- lb. woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no > longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
# 3 - No Report
Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
Behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name Of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a Good
explanation. "
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked Up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was
That for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
THE RABBI'S WIFE
In a small town in the Old Country, its young Rabbi died. His
widow,
the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the
people of the town decided
that she ought to get married again. But the
town was so small that
the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because
she had been wed to a
scholar, and the butcher had no great formal
education. However, she
was lonely, so she agreed, and they were
married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to
the mikvah (a Jewish
ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then,
she went home to prepare
to light the candles. The butcher leaned over
to her and said, "My
mother told me that after the mikvah and before
lighting the candles,
it's good to have sex." So they did.
She lit the candles. He leaned over again and
said, "My father told me
that after lighting the candles it's good to
have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers.
When they awoke he said
to her, "My grandmother said that before you go
to the synagogue it's
good to have sex." So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to
rest; and again he
whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after
praying it's good to
have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met
a friend who asked,
"So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful
family."
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist*s eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
LOVE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY AND HANG IN THERE.
How do you brainwash a blonde? Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex. Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Why is the Mexican Olympic Team so unsuccessful? Because anyone that can jump, run, or swim is already in America.
Golf - a good walk spoiled, and an infuriating game that brings out the worst and the very worst in people. Why was it called golf? Simply because all the other four letter words were taken.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed
he man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he
was getting tired of walking around, so he went up
to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a
donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we
call them asses. This is the only ass I have left,
and you have to scratch him when you want to make
him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog
stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies,
"We don't call them hotdogs here we call the
wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes
up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my
wiener while I scratch my ass?"
These are some of the designs available in Our Store
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
This design is available on many products HERE. I'm sure Chris Hansen would get a kick out of it when he interviews you (or that weird friend of yours) on TV.
Favorite Bumper Stickers
Caution: Driver is Legally Blonde
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
Few Women Admit Their Age, Fewer Men Act Theirs
Marriage: A Permanent Reminder Of A Temporary Feeling
Honk! If you Want To See My Finger
To see more bumper stickers, please click HERE.
Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"Okay," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but very good idea!"
There's a policeman sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.
He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing. "I've got to ask them what their secret is."
As the couple passes, he says to the, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
This has a ring of truth that hits close to home
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged
the TV and threw out all of his beer.
